My Best Blood Test Ever


Blood tests suck.

They just do.

I hate them. It’s not just another irrational fear. No… The feeling is mutual. I have yet to have one successful, uneventful draw.

Via Google
Via Google

But a couple weeks ago I had the best blood draw ever! Let me tell you how it went. I had to go see a NP. She said everything was perfectly normal but she wanted to do some “labs” just to be sure. When I think of “labs” I think of test subjects being poked, prodded and submitted to all over unpleasantness. When I coolly asked about the “labs” she confirmed this meant blood tests. Mental image confirmed.

I was not looking forward to it. Last time I had a blood test I could use my arm for two weeks and am now just getting over my “raptor arm”. But that’s a different story. I tried making a break for it but it didn’t work. Darn it! I’m an adult for crying out loud!

I am proud to say that I didn’t cry. But that didn’t keep the other people in the waiting room from looking slightly freaked out. I gave myself the pep talk/brain wash of the century.

Then they called my name.

Shoooooooooooooooooot.

I hate life.

But after such a great pep talk/brain wash attempt, and since I already used the bathroom excuse, I had to go through with it.

The technician was nice enough. She had red hair like myself. I told (calmly) about my dislike for needles, and to a greater extent blood tests. She told me how she had a bad experience once and that she use to not like blood tests either. So there’s hope for me!

After looking at my arm, she told me the source of all my problems. One of them shared. There is nerve really close to my vein. In addition, my tendons are like RIGHTTHERE. I would assume everyone has those next to their vein, but apparently mine are more buddy-buddy than all you. In summary, just about anything that could go wrong with a blood test has gone wrong. The technician was so nice and seemed to know what she was talking about so I just chilled back and relaxed.

I was thinking about how proud of myself I was and how well I was doing when I hear my name. This wasn’t like a “Good job!” or “Hey! You’re done! You did it.” There were two technicians saying “Are you there?” “Are you okay?” “How’s your stomach?”

My stomach? Then I realized something. I couldn’t see them. I could barely hear them. Dang.

I tried to brush it off. Not possible. I had slid in my seat to almost laying down position. I couldn’t hear and could barely see. It’s hard to be graceful like that. “Cough from the bottom of your stomach” What? “I know it’s weird but just do it.” Any grace I had remaining was gone. I sounded like a dying raptor.

I was then told that they needed more blood from me. Are you serious? At least they gave me the option of waiting a day or two.

When I could finally see again we moved to room with a reclining chair. It took my technician a while to figure out how to get to recline, and even then they had to put my feet up on a box. “Keep coughing.” Sure. What else could I lose. “If possible, you should just go home and sleep it off. ” Deal. 

Advice I got for the future is to lay down for the blood draw. I also found out I have a brother with a similar problem. He’s no wimp either! He’s a big, buff, scary, Navy guy. I also found out whenever he asks to lay down for the test, they say things like “Oh you’ll be fine.” This doesn’t bode well for my future.

By the way, I tried just laying down for while when I got home. I ended up being down the day. Every time I got up, I want to keel over. That’s also when my stomach started acting up.

 

And that is my best experience with a blood test. Ever.

Aubs out.

 

P.S. I never had to go back. I guess they had enough blood. Vampires.

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